Every year I say I won’t overindulge my children during the holidays ... and every year I succumb to their miles-long wish lists for toys and electronics. How do I teach them that the holidays are about more than pricey presents?
I believe there are age-appropriate ways to handle this, from toddlers up. I start off by taking them to a local toy store and having them choose a few toys that they think children who do not have any toys would enjoy. During the holidays there is always a bin for Toys for Tots near the exit, and we put in our donations; on the ride home, we talk about how much fun the children will have with them and how good it feels to give to others. As they get older, I take them to shelters and hospitals to give them a better idea of where the toys go. I also have them go through their toys every birthday and holiday to donate the old ones and make room for the ones they will receive. The best way to teach children is always by example, so make sure you are not getting dragged into the commercial aspect of the holidays too much yourself (I admit, I find myself doing it too at this time of year)! If your children are old enough, you can also explain a little about keeping to a budget. Ask them to make a wish list in order of importance, explaining that not everything will appear! They are usually so caught up in the excitement of what they do receive that they do not even notice the things that they don’t!
My twin 12-year-old daughters are so competitive. Their desire to outdo each other—whether it be with grades, sports, or friends—is driving me crazy! How do I get them to tone down the competition, and care about each other’s accomplishments as much as they care about their own?
Twins! This is a very different relationship than ordinary siblings have, and it is theirs to deal with for the rest of their lives! I think truly the only thing you can do is enjoy their accomplishments individually, and when they talk about their achievements—like, “I got an A in math” from one while the other jumps in with, “Well, I got an A-plus in art”—you can respond with, “Yes, it is great that you are both so talented in different areas,” or “I am so proud of both of you for working so hard in those subjects.” If they argue about who is better at what, then I would respond, “I am not going to sit and listen to this conversation, as I know you are both wonderful girls and I hope you are both proud of yourselves.” The situation with friends is basically the same conversation but geared more toward personality. I have worked with many sets of twins and I have found when this crops up, it is best not to get in the way of this conversation—as you can get too caught up in it and end up frustrated and exhausted! Eventually they will learn to enjoy each other’s accomplishments (this is certainly true of my first set of twins, who are now 24), but at this age it is normal for each “she” to be focused on “me.”
My six-year-old is a real tattle-tale—she’s always telling on her older brother and younger sister. While I often appreciate the extra set of eyes around the house, how do I explain that what she’s doing is wrong?
The tattle-tale is usually five to seven years old, but this can carry on much longer if the child is rewarded by a response! If the tattling is in regard to something like “Susan took my doll” or “David pulled my hair,” I usually just say, “Thank you for telling me. Now what are you going to do about it?” After all, at this age they really do need to work on conflict resolution and not look to a parent to “fix” everything. If the act in question is unrelated to the tattler, then I try to explain that everyone is in charge of himself or herself, and although I appreciate her “concern,” I am the adult and I am responsible for keeping my eye on these things; she does not need to worry about anyone other than herself when it comes to behavior. Of course, this does not apply to dangerous situations or if someone is hurt, and if that is the case then I would love for her to come and talk to me about what’s going on. This is where you can stress to your daughter that being the big sister is so important. You are not taking away her “job,” you’re just shifting it to times only when there is a danger.
We’ve just moved to a new neighborhood and my only child, a five-year-old boy, is having such a hard time making friends. It breaks my heart. What can I do?
I would check out the neighborhood—parks, the local library, classes, etc.—and see what is offered. Talk to other moms in the area. If your son is in preschool or kindergarten, consider hosting a “non-birthday party” for his class, invite the children over, play a few games, order pizza, and have fun! It is hard moving to a new place and it takes some time for children to adjust, but if you make the first move and reach out to others, I am sure your child will have friends in no time.
November 2008
